Pass the Paint Thinner:The antiPYG
by La-Li aka LaraNLilly
Summary: *Ch. 4 - things are looking.. down* Insane incredulous insanity. Ever wonder if Crawford was truly a man of steel? we'll find out today! Hint: Midlife. Crisis. Overangsted fic parody. C+N
1. About Crawford....the uncertainty will d...

Lara and Lilly present (as a result of complete and utter boredom during trigonometry class) the epitome of OOCness and overall insanity:

Pass the Paint Thinner: A parody of "Painting you gold".

Chapter one: About Crawford…the uncertainty will drive you mad…

Eyebrow raised or lowered?

Raised?

Lowered?

Which had a more daunting effect?

Crawford frowned in the mirror and stroked his pinky absently against the fine, silken, smooth-as-a-baby's-butt skin at his chin, willing the transformation of his facial features to their most intimidating.

Perfecting his glare had been one of Brad Crawford's many accomplishments. Yes, the man could kill you with a look. And no one had ever dared challenge him. That is, until he met that Weiss punk Fujimiya; the only lucky bastard who could be almost as intimidating as Brad.

Crawford growled at the thought of his foe. Then-- There! That was it! The perfect glare! Applause! Bring in Nagi with pom-poms and a cheerleading outfit! You know, the kind with the reeeeally short—

AHEM

--Anyway. 

He, Bradley Crawford, had done it again. Who could resist dissolving into a spineless mass when the sheer force of the glare was thrown their way? 

No one.

God, he was such a bad-ass.

Brad smirked with satisfaction at the thought, tearing his eyes away from the mirror long enough to scavenge his room for the outfit previously selected for the day. 

No one would ever suspect Crawford of being a villain of vanity. But the truth was, it took effort to be as pretty as he was. To be clean-shaven, color-coordinated and accessorized were important tactical decisions; wearing the right cologne for an occasion was almost as important as the type of gun he carried. 

Unbeknownst to those who knew him (a select few being the exceptions), Crawford could spend hours everyday pondering ways of improving his image. The seeming half hour he spent primping (more efficiently than the two-some hours Schuldich could spend on a difficult lock of hair) at the mirror every morning and the hour he spent every night picking out the next day's ensemble were well proof of it. Hell, his closet looked spiffier than a Banana Republic outlet store.

Nagi had been the only one to truly discover this side of Schwarz's beloved leader, the entire spectacle causing him more mirth than anyone thought possible. It was cute sometimes, the boy blushingly admitted, to see the man posing for himself in the mirror. And the fact that he usually did it in his underwear wasn't so bad, either. 

Brad stopped and let the corners of his lips to raise into a small smile at the thought of the boy. How he had been so lucky as to find the only person that made life worth living - when he had been such an insufferable bastard most of his life, and millions of good people would never get to experience this sort of personal security– was a mystery he felt better left unsolved.

Yes, life was good. Brad could say he had it all: affluence, a well-paying job he enjoyed, a big house, great friends, and he was getting some. Naturally, one had to wonder - what could possibly go wrong? (a/n: do you really wanna know? ::cackle:: )

Nothing, Crawford decided with satisfaction. 

But his clairvoyance knew better.

If there was one thing Bradley hated, it was the knowledge that something imperceptible was coming. Like the time that Schu had decided that he needed to make sure his libido still functioned properly by driving everyone who came within a two mile radius absolutely insane. Not to mention probably scaring and corrupting some unsuspecting teenagers for life.

Brad shuddered at the thought of what could happen this time. Well, as long as he didn't have to bail anyone out of jail or make sure Schwarz "disappeared" for a little while, it should be all right.

With a dismissive grunt, Crawford fluidly pulled on a rather loose pair of cream colored pants, slipped into his crisp white shirt, and replaced himself before the mirror to finish buttoning and dressing. He tucked his shirt into his pants and carefully combed his hair into its usual perfect position. Once satisfied, he proceeded to lace his belt through the appropriate belt loops, and buckle it.

But –

Wait. 

This wasn't right.

Brad frowned when he noticed that he had to scoot down to one or two notches on the belt. It was… unusual. Either the belt had shrunk (which he doubted) or his waist…

Ice blue eyes with the power to foresee certain death went wide with clumsy terror. 

With the speed of skill, Crawford hurriedly pulled his shirt off (without ripping or tearing!) and tossed it aside to flutter into an uncharacteristically wrinkled heap. He frantically inspected himself in the mirror, squinting, and even wiping his glasses to be sure to catch whatever was wrong. 

He gave himself a careful once-over, his eyes quickly scanning his waistline, looking for anything unusual, but still was completely perplexed. He didn't look any different. Furrowing his brow in concentration, he wondered why on earth he would have to widen the circumference of his belt. True, he hadn't worked out yesterday, but one day wasn't going to kill him. 

Then, for some reason, at that moment he seemed to remember some large event that was supposed to happen soon…

Wait a minute. 

It couldn't be! 

Was that even possible…?

Could he…? 

Crawford's eyes widened again in horror. 

Was he…?

…getting FAT?????????

End chappie one

Coming up next:

---At the breakfast table:

Schuldich walked over to Brad.

"Careful, Brad," he said leaning on the older man's shoulder. "You take in to many sweet things, you'll get fatter."

Brad's glasses flashed as he whirled around to face the telepath. 

"What are you saying? Are you saying I look fat?"

… "You know what they say… after hitting twenty-five…"


	2. In the case of insecurity, *never* tell ...

A/N: Lara: Gomen gomen! Life's such a voracious monster lately. But, I love Crawford too much to let this fic fizzle out… Bwa ha. 

Disclaimer: W/K: not owned by us. Law Suits: not welcome. Comments: appreciated. Death threats: reported to the local authorities. Flames: retaliation should be expected. 

The twisted minds of Lara and Lilly present (as a result of way too much sugar and utter boredom), the weirdest a** sh** you'll ever read/write: 

Pass the paint thinner: a parody of "Painting you gold" 

Chapter Two: In case of insecurity, *never* tell Schu… 

Schuldich cocked his ear up as he heard the muffled sound of a scream from the upper level of the Schwarz house. Puzzled as to what was happening, he decided he would ask Bradley. 

But the thoughts he stumbled upon were not what he expected at all… 

Holy sh**!!! When did I gain that much???? This scale is *so* wrong! That's it, I'm buying a new one today! Kami, I'm turning into the biggest tub of lard in the world!!!! Pretty soon people are going to start calling me a hairy golf ball and I'll be stuck teaching at some high school for the rest of my life complaining about how I used to be the hottest thing the world had ever seen! 

Schuldich was intrigued. Was it possible that Bradley Crawford, his best friend, fearless leader of Schwarz, and overall prick, was insecure? Not only that, was this insecurity causing him delusions that made him believe he, at one point in time, was hotter than Schu? [Lara: *sniff* It could happen.) He smiled evilly as Brad calmed himself and convinced himself that he was just overreacting. Then, clearing his throat as walked over to the kitchen door, he called upstairs to Bradley, "Hey Brad! You'd better get your fat-ass down here if you want us to leave any breakfast for you!" 

Schuldich had to stifle a laugh when the heard the thump from the older man's bedroom. Schuldich had been itching for a chance to get even with Brad ever since that one incident with Weiss and Takatori. He shuddered at the memory of the singing…the double elbows… and the electric slide…he'd never see Fridays the same way again. 

The song! THAT BLOODY SONG!!… 

(Lilly: Lara, breathe.. it's over now…)

(Lara: @_@… )

Nagi stopped mid-bite of his Wheaties. (The breakfast of telekinetic champions.) 

Farfello looked up from the knife he was sharpening, "Schu, did you just call Crawford a fat-ass?"

Without saying anything, Nagi gave a curious frown and flipped his gaze between his teammates.

Schuldich shrugged and smiled. 

Oh, yes. This was going to be fun. 

~ 

"Ohayo, Brad," Nagi greeted the older man as soon as he finally appeared at the breakfast table about ten minutes later. 

"Ohayo," Bradley mumbled, sitting down at the table grumpily and quickly unfolding his newspaper, trying to act as normal as possible. The belt, he could have recovered from easily, but the scale… Good god, that combination of numbers threw his entire world off-kilter! He prayed that no one would say anything to him. 

Schuldich, of course, had other plans. 

"So, fearless leader, what took you so long? You're usually down at the breakfast table a lot earlier." 

Crawford ignored him. 

"Did you have a rough night?" 

Crawford sniffed and turned to the business section. "I slept fine." 

"Then what's wrong?" Schuldich asked innocently. 

Crawford gazed icily at him over his glasses. "What makes you think there's anything wrong?" 

Schuldich shrugged and looked around for his mug of coffee, glancing back as Brad returned to his newspaper. "Brad, do you think you could pass me the sugar that's behind you on the counter?" hehh he asked as nonchalantly as possible. 

"Can't you walk over and get it yourself?" the older man asked, not looking up. 

"I don't want to walk all the way over there…" Schuldich said in a mildly whining tone. 

"Fine," Brad sighed and got up to grab the little container of sugar, handing it across the table over to Schuldich. 

"Thanks, buddy," the latter said. The beginnings of a smirk tugged as his lips, but he held it back, willing his face to remain that way. He didn't want to ruin his perfect expression. 

"…What is it?" Bradley finally asked after about a minute of Schuldich staring at him. 

"Oh, it's nothing," he replied. "Good." 

"…" 

"So will you stop staring at me like that?" 

"It's just that you look….I don't know…*different*." 

This caught Crawford's full attention. 

Twitch. "What…" Twitch. "Do you mean by…" Twitch. "*Different*?" 

"--Oh, wow! I'm late for school!" Nagi exclaimed as he jumped up form the table, trying to act as a distraction. He quickly placed his empty cereal bowl in the sink. "Schu, why don't you drive me to school today?" he quipped, tugging at the orange haired man's arm in a desperate attempt to end the conversation he and Bradley were getting into. He had the feeling like this could turn into something really ugly. Uglier, even, than Takatori in the wee hours of the morning. 

Ew.

"Get out of here," Bradley growled, keeping his glare trained to Schuldich.. 

Nagi tossed the car keys to his chauffeur for the day and quickly swooped down to plant a small kiss on Brad's cheek as he placed a plate of pancakes on the table for him, then exited before anyone could catch sight of the crimson flush on his face. 

"Careful, Brad," Schuldich said leaning on the older man's shoulder. "You take in too many sweet things like that, you'll get fatter." 

Brad's glasses flashed as he whirled around to face the telepath. "What are you saying? Are you saying I look fat?" 

The telepath shrugged and walked out after Nagi with a self-satisfied smile plastered on his face. 

"Get back here and answer me!" Crawford yelled after them. He had stood up from the table and had half a mind to go after them. 

What did he mean by *that*?!? Crawford wondered to himself. He looked over to Farfello, who was staring at him with an expression of awe and was that....bemusement? 

Brad threw him one of his infamous icy glares and Farfello went back to meticulously sharpening his rather long knife. 

"You don't think I look any different do you?" Brad asked after a few minutes of silence. 

"…" 

"Farfello?" 

The silver haired man looked up at the American. He looked him up and down silently. "I don't know…I think God would like it if I told you." 

Bradley sensed nothing good could come of all of this. 

TBC…. 

Tune in for the next episode: 

"There comes that time when you reach a certain age…" 

Teaser: 

"Well, um," Nagi stuttered. 

"Well what?" Bradley demanded. 

"You have been a little, but just a tiny bit, heavier lately…" Nagi said in a small voice. 

The man before him was in shock. Had everyone on his team turned against him? Had he lost all respect and authority because he had become an enormous tub of lard????? 

Lilly: Poor Bradley!!! . What are we doing to him????? Pooh. ::thinks for two seconds:: ::giggles:: Who cares? It's so much fun! ^_~ 


	3. There comes that time when you reach a c...

Disclaimer: Yes, yes, the rumors are true! Not only did we buy up the whole anime empire in Japan (therefore making W/K ours) but we have also come to take over the American anime empire as well (therefore, the SPMM are ours as well). 

Duh. 

::after two hours:: 

Lilly: Hey, Lara, did you notice the ingredients in this Pepsi? Here's a new one. ::points:: 

Lara: Hey, isn't that a hallucinogen? 

Lilly: ….oh….that would explain a lot….. ::sigh:: the plot's ours. That's it. 

Lara: *whimper* I can't believe Ewan isn't ours… 

Pass the paint thinner: the anti-"Painting you gold" 

Chapter Three: There comes that time when you reach a certain age… 

**Midlife crisis**_—(n.)_ the sense of uncertainty about one's appearance, identity, values, relationships, etc. that some people experience in middle life. 

Bradley Crawford sat on the kitchen table top in a very uncharacteristic manner. 

The day's newspaper lay discarded next to his cold cup of untouched coffee. He sat with his glasses in his hand, and, had anyone been there, they would have appreciated the rare but beautiful spaced out look found in pools of midnight blue. 

Schuldich would have laughed. 

For days. 

As it was, Crawford had not really moved from this position all day. He had been sitting there for hours contemplating on the importance of this morning's events.

_"Fat-ass…" "You'll get fatter…" _And then those disgusting three figures on the scale… 

What had it all meant? 

Just then the front door opened. Crawford paid little attention; he thought it was probably Farfello coming home. But – again - his clairvoyance dictated something completely different. 

Nagi's crystal voice confirmed it as it carried from the front door to the kitchen. 

"But it was so cool!" the Japanese boy said. 

"It wasn't the best work I've seen," Schuldich's accent broke through in response. 

"Come on, Schu, it's _Star Wars_!!!" Nagi maintained. 

"Whatever," the German answered, "I can't believe we spent perfectly good money on something that crappy." 

"Why did you go then?" 

"…I only went for the eye candy." 

"Schu, Hayden Christiansen is not that hot," Nagi answered simply. 

The ensuing silence indicated the shock experienced by the other end of the conversation. 

"Now, Ewan McGregor…he's hot," Nagi said after a moment. 

Crawford heard Schuldich scoff. "What, _him_? I think he looked a little bit…chunkier than he did in Moulin Rouge. How is it that you can say he looked good in this movie? Oh, oops, I'm sorry," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "I had forgotten that you seem to like fat men." 

Crawford stiffened. He didn't need to have any type of superhuman abilities to know that they were now talking about him. 

"_Schu_," Nagi said harshly. A crimson blush covered his cheeks. 

Schuldich smiled triumphantly as he felt Crawford's mind become more alert. Schuldich had sensed he was nearby when they came in. 

"Well, it's true isn't it?" Schuldich continued to Nagi, now able to confirm that their beloved leader was in the next room. 

Schuldich had been trying for years to figure out what exactly it was that got under Crawford's skin, something that would make him squirm. He never in his life imagined the answer had been this simple. Of course, after discovering this information, it was Schuldich'a duty to exploit it until it's breaking point. HE wanted to see the untouchable Bradley Crawford crumble. Why? Why else? 

_This is going to be so, so fun…_

"No it's not true!" Nagi countered. 

"Yes it is!" Schuldich replied. 

"Is not!" 

"Is so." 

"Is not!" 

"Is so!" 

"Is _not_!" 

"Is _so_!" 

"**Is not**!" 

"**Is so!!!**" Schuldich yelled and crossed his arms. 

And before Nagi could respond, "You love me, I win!" Schuldich added, ending with a sniff. 

Nagi scowled at him for a moment. "…FINE…But, Schu, you shouldn't pick on him. Just because he's been a little heavier lately, doesn't give you the right to—" 

The sound of something breaking stopped him short. 

Nagi raised an eyebrow in the direction of the kitchen. "Farfie! Stop wrecking the china!," he called into the next room. 

"I have to go start my homework," Nagi continued as he made his way to his room. He turned back for a moment, "Stop bothering Brad. He's very va--…he's very sensi--…he just doesn't like it, okay?" 

"Fine," Schuldich said as he dropped himself on the couch. "I thought layers of fat were supposed to make you less sensitive," he mumbled under his breath. 

A copy of the _TV Guide_ smacked the back of his head, resulting in colorful swearing to be heard throughout the house just before Nagi's door gently latched shut. 

-------------- 

Crawford was putting the remains of his breakfast in the trash and mopping up the floor (which would have been much easier if Nagi was around) when he heard the German's accent cut through his trance. 

--Why didn't you go to work today, Bradley?— 

--Don't call me that.— 

--Was it too hard?— 

--What?— 

--To work?— 

--What are you babbling about…-- 

--I mean you would have to haul yourself _all_ the way to the study and then that would mean you'd have to actually move all that weight around. I think you're right about not trying. I mean why bother? It would take up too much precious energy.-- 

Okay, that was it. No more of this crap. He was about to let _Schuldich_ of all people stomp on what was left of his pride. Crawford growled and stormed out of the kitchen and into the living room, leveling the only implement he could count on directly at the center of Schuldich's forehead. 

"I'm not in the mood for this right now," he said in a dangerously low and steady voice. "Go play games with little boys. You can screw them for all I care. But I'm warning you not to push me now or I'll blow your head off." 

Schuldich snorted. "Jeez, touchy, aren't we?" 

Crawford cocked his gun and then pointed it between Schuldich's legs. "When have you known me to lie to you about blowing something up?" 

--YOU WOULDN'T DARE!!!!— 

--One more crack from you…-- 

"Okay, I'm sorry, already!" Schuldich lifted his hands up in protest. "I won't say another word!" –Not right now, anyway.— 

"I would like to keep my manhood, Crawford," he continued, flapping his hands helplessly and gesturing for the man to get away from him…and to take the gun away too. He was beginning to sweat at the thought of losing his most prized possession. 

Crawford narrowed his eyes, but put the safety back on the gun and stuffed it back into his pants. "I agree you should keep it. It's the only part that's left of your manhood." 

With that he walked away before he could catch the look of momentary shock on the German's face. 

Schuldich placed a possessive hand over his crotch and glared at the American's back as he walked away. 

--Oh, it's on now. Them's be fightin' words.— 

------- 

Crawford was sure that all his relationships were falling apart. His lover thought he was unattractive, his teammates lost their respect (aka primal fear) towards him, etc. Shrugging it off and pep talking himself through the rest of the afternoon, Crawford avoided further disaster with his vanity.

But later that night, Crawford found his suspicions even more strongly confirmed. While kissing [Lara: *ahem* getting his mac on with] Nagi in bed, Nagi said he wanted to… 

He wanted to just…

Sleep. 

"--Why?!" Crawford blurted quickly. 

"It's nothing, I'm just not in the mood tonight," Nagi replied nonchalantly. 

The very thought was absurd! Who could possibly resist Bradley Crawford, the epitome of all manhood???? (See how far a little pep talking can get you?) He was smoldering, every person with a working libido's dream! Why would Nagi willingly refuse? 

Why, the only reason for it could be… "It's because I'm hideous now, isn't it?" 

"You aren't hideous, where did you get that idea?" 

"I know what you said to Schuldich! And… what… Schuldich …said to you." 

"WHAT? When?… Ohmy-- That was you in the kitchen?!" 

"Don't try to change the subject! Now, tell me. Do you think I'm fat?" 

"…" Nagi hesitated and furrowed his brow. For some relationships, this could be a deathtrap. For this relationship… He shuddered.

"Nagi," Crawford's eyes thinned, "Tell me the truth."

"Well, um," Nagi stuttered. 

"Well what?" Bradley demanded. 

"You have been a little-" Nagi held his thumb and index finger two millimeters apart "-But just a tiny bit, heavier lately…" Nagi said in a small voice. He immediately regretted it.

The man before him was in shock. Had everyone on his team turned against him? Had he lost all respect and authority because he had become an enormous tub of lard????? 

"So, it *is* because I've gotten fat!" 

"Crawford, not everything's about you gaining weight! I just—" Nagi slapped a hand over his mouth. Stupid Schuldich! Why did he have to put those ideas in his head?! Ooohh, and why did Crawford have to be so sensitive? 

"You really think I'm fat," Crawford huffed. "I can't believe it." 

"No, I didn't meant that," Nagi stammered. "It didn't come out right—" 

"It came out just fine. You don't need to explain anything else!" Crawford reached over and *click* turned the lamp off. "Good night." 

…

*Click.* "Crawford—" 

*Click.* "Go to sleep." 

*Click.* ""Crawford, I'm sor—" 

*Click.* "I'm sleeping." 

*Click.* ""I love y—" 

*Click.* "Night." 

Damn SCHUUUU! Ok, Nagi thought to himself, last resort. Sit up. Deep breath. And: *Click* 

*Click* "Na—" 

"—YOU LOVE ME!!!!! I W--MHNPF!" 

…. 

*Click.* 

Crawford sighed as put his glasses on. He should have known better than to start a lamp fight with Nagi. Especially when the boy was within screaming distance. He removed his hand from Nagi's mouth and slapped it against his head, trying to stop the bells going off in his ear. Then he turned when he heard Nagi's sniffle. 

"I'm really sorry," Nagi sniffed, his eyes wide and glistening with potential tears. And – heavens help him - the boy was pouting. 

Darn Nagi and his cuteness- how could Crawford stay mad? It was one major reason Crawford liked him… The man hung his head and reached out to ruffle Nagi's hair. "Apology accepted." 

Sniff. "Ok." Nagi watched as Crawford stood up from the bed. "Where are you going?" 

"I forgot to change into my pajamas." 

"Oh." Nagi bit his lower lip and curled his lips into a smile. "Well, you don't *have* to wear them, do you?" 

"Good idea!!" Schuldich's muffled voice came through the wall. "He probably doesn't fit in them anymore!" 

"Schu!" Nagi yelled in frustration. 

Crawford's cheeks reddened and – was that?… Yes, it was steam that began to ascend from his ears. "That is it! EVERYONE go BACK to BED!" 

"Fine! Going!" Schuldich laughed from his side of the wall. "Looks like someone won't get their make-up sex!" 

"SCHULDICH!" 

*Thonk.* 

"OW! NAGI!!!#@$!%$~@!!" 

Sniff. 

*Click.* 

"…I think that hurt you more than it hurt God." 

---- 

TBC… 

Lilly: Ouch…that's going to leave a scar…LOL…What's going to happen now? ::evil snicker:

Tune in next time for the exciting new episode: "Did you know we have over twenty thousand channels on this thing?" 

Teaser:

Nagi walked in the front door, followed by Schuldich who cried out in his best bishounen voice, "HONEY! I'M HOME!!"

"I'm in here," they heard a voice call from the living room.

As they entered the living room, Schuldich instinctively reached for his gun.

There was someone in their living room, someone who none of them had ever seen before. Someone clad in blue striped pajamas, which were covered partially

by a red robe. The creature had a bag of Doritos resting on one knee and the TV Guide on the other, while the remote was clutched in its right hand

possessively. The _thing_ was sprawled over their couch lazily.

Nagi was in shock, who _was_ that?.... 

BWHAHAHA!!!!!! Who has invaded the Schwarz house during this difficult time? Are they a threat? But more importantly, _how did they get by Farfie's new _improved_ 'security' system?_ Tune in to find out! 

Lara: ;____; Poor Crawford!! ::reaches out to huggle him, but Nagi beats her to it:: … Damn. 

Heh, isn't Lilly so evil? Ok ok, I had a hand in it too… -_- We tease because we love! 

And no offense to anyone who liked Episode 2! We love Star Wars to a fault, but that movie just didn't do it for us. And we both love Ewan McGregor too. XD Who doesn't? Good gosh! XDDDD ::runs off to watch Moulin Rouge for the millionth time::


	4. Did you know we have over twenty thousan...

DISCLAIMER: Characters not ours. OOC-ness unfortunately is…. 

A Yo-Yotan and Buki Wookie Production…

In association with College Edukashion and Utter Bhordomm…

Lara and Lilly Present…

Pass the Paint Thinner:

A Painting you gold parody

Chapter Four: "Did you know we have over twenty thousand channels on this thing?"

The next morning went relatively normally… with the exception of the Schwarz team enduring breakfast without the pleasurable presence of their stout leader.  Which was really a shame because he looked so cute when he was grumpy…well, that is, he *would've* looked cute if he didn't have a shiner the size of Detroit on his left eye.  It was so black Nagi swore Crawford could pass off for Farfie. 

Needless to say last night's incident did not go over well. 

The remainder of Schwarz went about their business: Nagi went to school, Schuldich did…whatever it is he does, and Farfarello got back to "updating" their alarm/ intruder eliminator system (::cackle::)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bradley lay in his own bed (for the first time in several weeks, Nagi's room being more comfortable and all…) contemplating his current dilemma.

He knew that something like this would happen to him one day.  He was clairvoyant, dammit, *of course* he knew!  He just didn't know it would happen so soon or manifest itself in this way. 

_Screw all of this,_ he thought to himself, with a sigh of defeat, _I don't want to deal with all this crap anyway…_

  
_Why bother?_ He continued, _it's just going to hurt me…_ (Yoyotan: *gushes* I love you Rivers!!!)

After a few more minutes of deliberation, Crawford rolled over on his side, resolute in his decision.

Then he did something he'd never done in his life. At eleven thirty in the morning, Bradley Crawford…took a nap. 

- - - - - - - - 

Nagi was anxious to get home, wanting to make sure that his dear Bradley was alright. 

Last night Brad had been so upset he left to his own room to sleep. 

Nagi bounded up the fronts steps of the Schwarz house after stopping the barrage of the knives that had been shot at him from both sides as he walked across the lawn. 

Obviously Farfie had been bored enough to come up with a new type of intruder system.

Schuldich, having conveniently popped up after the knives were disposed of, followed closely behind Nagi and they both entered the house.  Schulidich called out in his bishounen voice: "Honey! I'm home!"

"I'm in here," they heard a voice call from the living room.

As they entered the living room, Schuldich instinctively reached for his gun. 

There was someone in their living room, some being that none of Schwarz had ever seen before.  Some being clad in blue striped pajamas, covered partially by a red robe.  It had a bag of Doritos resting on one knee and the TV Guide on the other, while the remote was clutched possessively in its right hand.  The _thing was lazily sprawled over their couch._

Nagi's jaw crashed to the floor, his eyes two blue saucers as Schuldich burst out laughing. 

"B-Brad-kun?" Nagi whispered almost inaudibly over Schuldich's hysterical cackles.

Farfarello then entered the room to see what all the commotion was about.  

"Oh, so you found him," he observed calmly.

Nagi, a little more composed now, whirled to face the one-eyed man. "You _knew about this????"_

Farfarello just shrugged in response, "He bought me new knives. I figured it was alright." He proceeded to step over Schuldich (who was now rolling on the ground) and disappeared into the kitchen.

"Hey, did you guys know we have over twenty thousand different channels on this thing?" Brad called from the couch.

Nagi closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, trying to stop the migraine that he could feel taking a hold of his cerebral cortex.  (Now he knew why Brad did this all the time after going on a mission with Schuldich…)

--I'm too young to deal with this…-- he thought to himself.

"Yeah, but you're obviously not too young to be— "  

Nagi cut off Schu's air supply before the German had a chance to finish the sentence.

He reluctantly let the older man go and tried to make his way into the kitchen to collect his thoughts.

Nagi pushed the door open…

He pushed the door…

--What the…---

Finally, he gave the kitchen door a hard mental push when it gave way. Then he found that he could not get *into* the kitchen. 

Open cardboard boxes littered the floor of the kitchen, taking up all available space and then some.

A more composed Schuldich poked his head in from behind Nagi.

"Oh man! How are we supposed to get to the food?!" he whined.

"I got it over here!" Brad called from in front of the TV.

Schu perked up. "Do you have rice balls?"

Brad tossed him the treat like a master would his dog. "There's more where that came from," he said.

Schulich bounded over to the American freak who once had been the anal "there-will-be-no-food-in-the-living-room" Crawford, leaving Nagi to marvel at the situation he had stumbled into. 

Nagi picked up the nearest box, to find it empty except for the thousands of foam peanuts that always accompanied something that was shipped.

He saw that all the other boxes were in the exact same condition.

Rushing into the living room, he focused on things he hadn't seen before.  A new DVD player.  A black Victorian lamp. 

His eye then caught sight of something poking through the door of the closet. He opened it to find they now owned a sewing machine. 

Nagi dashed from room to room in the house to find various items all other the place. A new shower head, a stereo in the bathroom, a genuine Salvador Dali painting in his room, and, of course, Farfarello's new knives.  Moving back to the kitchen, he looked at the return address on the boxes.  They all said the same thing: Home Shopping Network.  His stomped back to the living room in a state of disbelief.  He stood next to the couch, unable to find words to express himself.

"Nagi-kun! Look what Brad bought me!" Schuldich giggled, holding up a black leather coat.  (Yoyotan: *giggle* Chibi-Schu!)

"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY???" Nagi finally yelled at Crawford. "AND HOW THE HELL DID THESE THINGS GET HERE SO FAST??"

Bradley moved his eyes from the television to look at the teenager, his glasses reflecting the glare of the TV.

"Two words: express delivery."

Nagi felt his jaw go slack (again) in absolute horror. _WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?????  "I got something for you, too," Bradley continued. "It's in your room, in a box by the closet."_

Nagi right then had half a mind to…well…do really something bad!

But his curiosity got the better of him, and do he moved into his room. Said box was one he had not noticed before. He found it curious that it was open and fairly large. Intrigued, he moved closer and looked inside.

"Three…," Bradley murmured, counting down, "Two…one…"

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"___

Schuldich's ears perked up as Nagi's horrified scream resonated throughout the house. 

He turned to Bradley with a smile. 

"I think he likes it." 

Nagi stomped back into the living room and suspended his 'gift' in front of Bradley's face.

"_Meow."_

"You got me a cat?" the Japanese boy asked, indignation in his voice. "_You_ got _me a **cat**!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

"Actually no, I didn't."

"… Good, then this is all—"

"--Technically, that's a kitten."

"**_ARGH_!"**

The _kitten_ mewled in complaint as he was shaken about in midair.

"What?" Brad asked casually, "Don't you like him?"

"Nagi's allergic to cats," Schuldich quipped.

Brad's eyebrows shot up as he looked at Nagi's fuming form. He hadn't known that. 

This…could be bad…

"He thinks they're dirty, too," Farfello added, walking through the living room and exiting through the front door

Oh, this was _definitely_ BAD…

The kitten flew into Schuldich's chest.  "HEY!" the German caught the soft body, glaring at Nagi.  "What's the big idea?"

"You need to take care of it!" Nagi said quickly, sniffling and squishing his face to avoid sneezing.  His face turned red and he began to wheeze.

Schuldich whined.  "But why me?"

  
"Because I CAN"T BREATHE!  And SOMEONE ELSE isn't being COMPETENT today!"

Brad couldn't decide whether to get up from his chair or not, since it was so comfortable and warm and all, and it vaguely registered in his mind that he didn't appreciate being called incompetent.  So he offered his concern from where he was.  

This happened to be his fault, anyway.  

"….Nagi."

"WHAD?!"

"Are you all right?"

"No I am not, dhanks do you!" he yelled as he stomped back to his room.  "Oh gread," he grumbled nasally, "Dow I'b begiddig do zound like Schu. "

Brad stood from his chair, attempting to go after the boy.  "Nagi!—"

The door slammed shut.

Brad sighed.  "I made a big mistake…"

Schuldich smirked.  "… That's the first time you've gotten up all day isn't it?"

"Yup."

"Bad head rush?"

"… Yup."

Schuldich examined the kitten as Brad plopped back into his seat.  "This one's actually pretty cute. Flawless black fur.  It's nice and soft.  We should call him Nagi," he looked up at Brad, "Y'know, so when that one leaves, we'll still have one here."

"Hmph."  Brad attempted to glare, but managed to only pathetically stifle a yawn.

"Meow."

"Yes, I know," Schuldich cooed, scratching behind Nagi-koneko's ears, "But you shouldn't say that in front of him.  He's apparently _very_ sensitive about his weight…"

tbc


End file.
